On Forgiveness

I told Tad a while ago that I wish we had had a debriefing class before leaving Biola. Something like the debriefing we did before we left Romania. The class would cover what you'd learned and how you'd grown at Biola, and would prepare you for life back outside the bubble again. Life in a world where people don't pray before the start of class, where out of the 38 people in your program, only 4 of you are Christians. The class would be about what to expect, and how to cope and stay close to God.
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Unfortunately, such a class does not exist.

I was fine for a while, mainly last summer. I was at home, and spent much time with my Biola friends. But as grad school began, and I grew busier and busier, and more stressed, I began losing track of things with God. I knew I was struggling, but at least I was clinging on.

I was a wreck by Christmas. The fall semester took an awful toll on me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I started to pull myself back together after I hit what I thought was bottom. I had managed to haphazardly patch myself up by the time spring semester started. And then all the trouble with my roommate crashed in on my shaky structure.

In that week or so after the drama, I clung to God, I looked at it as a growth experience. It was certainly one of those times that forces you to the foot of the cross. Those moments are humbling, and can truly set you on a new course in your walk with God. But problems come when, rather than picking yourself up and starting down the road with God, you continue to lie in your heap.

To be sure, I tried to get up. I would work through my feelings and be on my way to forgiveness for the hurt my roommate had caused me, and just when I thought I was ready to move on, she would do or say something that would bring all the pain back. And back into a heap I would crumble.

After repeating this cycle 4 or 5 times, I grew tired of the painful effort it took to pick myself up. The anger and bitterness and hurt began to eat at me and slowly pushed me farther and farther from God. The pain and separation I felt began manifesting themselves in arguments and fights with Tad. After about two weeks of off and on fighting, I finally admitted to myself the real problem. I was no longer walking with God.

In the week and a half since, I have been working my way back to the cross. It is slow progress, but I'm making it. The biggest obstacle by far is to let myself forgive my roommate. I am so blessed that God never leaves his children, and blessed to have a very loving and forgiving boyfriend.

Please pray for me as I move through this process. I am still incredibly shaky on my feet right now. Living with and forgiving someone who continues to hurt you is extremely difficult. I know I will be relieved when this part of my life is over, but I also hope to be a better person for it. My fear is that I will be a more bitter person for it