On Forgiveness

I told Tad a while ago that I wish we had had a debriefing class before leaving Biola. Something like the debriefing we did before we left Romania. The class would cover what you'd learned and how you'd grown at Biola, and would prepare you for life back outside the bubble again. Life in a world where people don't pray before the start of class, where out of the 38 people in your program, only 4 of you are Christians. The class would be about what to expect, and how to cope and stay close to God.
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Unfortunately, such a class does not exist.

I was fine for a while, mainly last summer. I was at home, and spent much time with my Biola friends. But as grad school began, and I grew busier and busier, and more stressed, I began losing track of things with God. I knew I was struggling, but at least I was clinging on.

I was a wreck by Christmas. The fall semester took an awful toll on me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I started to pull myself back together after I hit what I thought was bottom. I had managed to haphazardly patch myself up by the time spring semester started. And then all the trouble with my roommate crashed in on my shaky structure.

In that week or so after the drama, I clung to God, I looked at it as a growth experience. It was certainly one of those times that forces you to the foot of the cross. Those moments are humbling, and can truly set you on a new course in your walk with God. But problems come when, rather than picking yourself up and starting down the road with God, you continue to lie in your heap.

To be sure, I tried to get up. I would work through my feelings and be on my way to forgiveness for the hurt my roommate had caused me, and just when I thought I was ready to move on, she would do or say something that would bring all the pain back. And back into a heap I would crumble.

After repeating this cycle 4 or 5 times, I grew tired of the painful effort it took to pick myself up. The anger and bitterness and hurt began to eat at me and slowly pushed me farther and farther from God. The pain and separation I felt began manifesting themselves in arguments and fights with Tad. After about two weeks of off and on fighting, I finally admitted to myself the real problem. I was no longer walking with God.

In the week and a half since, I have been working my way back to the cross. It is slow progress, but I'm making it. The biggest obstacle by far is to let myself forgive my roommate. I am so blessed that God never leaves his children, and blessed to have a very loving and forgiving boyfriend.

Please pray for me as I move through this process. I am still incredibly shaky on my feet right now. Living with and forgiving someone who continues to hurt you is extremely difficult. I know I will be relieved when this part of my life is over, but I also hope to be a better person for it. My fear is that I will be a more bitter person for it

Continued Prayers Appreciated

Did not go as planned. I feel about as low as I can get, and I don't know where the resolution is going to come from.

Right now, I just want to be far far away, curled in a ball.

Wrestling with God

The message at church yesterday morning was about Jacob wrestling with God, about how it took wrestling with God for Jacob to find what he was seeking and to be headed in the right direction.

Something I really like about The Flood's pastor is that all of his sermons come straight out of scripture AND are then related to things that would be going on in our lives.

Of course, I didn't even need examples to figure out what I've been wrestling with God about: my relationship with Tad.

After over three years, we are still long distance. This on its own kills me. Now add in all the failed attempts at having him move.

We both thought that when he graduated from NNU he would move down to southern California to be with me while I finished at Biola, and then we would go from there. Well, you know how the best laid plans of mice and men go...

He graduated, finished up a couple classes, and went home. When he visited me for my birthday, we found jobs in LA that he could apply for, and he sent in applications. Not only did none of those places ever call back, but in July he got into a massive fight with his family. He was forbidden to move and told to get a job in WA.

Ok, we thought, he'll work there til I'm done with Biola and then he'll have money to move and maybe his parents will be more open to moving. Over several months he applied to at least 20 different jobs.

Nothing

But, he did get his medical things worked out, and discovered a calling to youth ministry through volunteer coaching a middle school basketball team with his church.

That's when he began applying for the fall semester at Point Loma.

Great, I thought, his parents will be supportive of his pursuing more education to go into ministry, he'll be able to move by the end of the summer.

Again, best laid plans...

Things didn't work out like we hoped with Point Loma. They didn't accept him based on his GPA, which is lower due to all the medication changes he underwent in the last two years at NNU. And the deal with his parents was that he could move IF he got in. Remember that he still has no job.

He would like to move down in the next couple months anyway. Look for a job here in SoCal where the market is a bit better than it is in WA. But his parents still forbid it, and have threatened to report his car as stolen if he leaves.

All this is more than enough for me. But of course there's more. In the last month we've suddenly been averaging two fights a week, when before we only fought once every couple months. Tad has always asserted that fighting is healthy for a relationships; that it's better that we fight and resolve it easily than if we didn't fight at all. But that's a drastic change. It coincides with me starting my grad program, but I can't figure out why that would cause us to fight more.

So, back to the whole point of this entry.

I know I'm supposed to give this all to God. I know I need to.

But I don't know how.

Every time I try, I let go and grab back on again, or I think I'm letting go but have this thought in the back of my head "The second I let it go, Tad and I will be together."

Dear Lord, show me, because I just don't know how.

After the Storm

One week ago I was completely and entirely miserable. Thank goodness that is not the case tonight. I've been fighting with myself all week. Trying to deal with things, but not having the time to sit in the pain of all of it. It didn't help matters that in closing off the wound before it healed, I started pushing Tad away. I don't know where I would have been this week without him being so supportive. He really is amazing, supporting, accepting, and loving, even when I'm a complete emotional wreck.

I was able to start sorting things out in group last night. It was pointed out to me several times that I have been holding all the pain inside, pretending it isn't there. Later, while on the phone with Tad, I suddenly came to realize something he already knew, but I hadn't seen. I've been really, REALLY angry with my mom about this. not just in the last week, since at least Thanksgiving. That's why every time it's come up,I've exploded. Tad recommended I talk to my mom about it. So, with quite a lot of effort on my part, I brought it up again today.

We had a really good conversation. Nobody freaked out or yelled or got upset. She listened to what I had to say, and said she'd be willing to reconsider things. The downside is it looks for sure like Tad and I will be long distance for one more year, but I'm willing to wait.

In other news, I played my last Symphonic Winds concert on Saturday (not counting graduate graduation, Pomp & Circumstance doesn't count). It was a great concert, possibly my favorite of the 4 years. Becky did my hair really cute, curled with a bow like Shirley Temple. My parents brought me Berry Cool beforehand, and gave me flowers after. It's a beautiful bouquet, all different colors of gerber daisies, mums, and bright orange lilies.

Sunday was the disability event for theo of suffering and disability. We went to Redlands (which is rather far) to a Sunday School class designed for individuals with intellectual disabilities. It was a lot of fun. I can't get enough of working with people with disabilities, which makes it a good thing I'm majoring in a related field :o). Soon after getting back on campus from that I went with a bunch of people from the Romania team to a Romanian church service. The service was for the most part in Romanian, but some of the youth translated for us, pretty cool. I'm so stoked for the trip.

I think that's about it, other than some pretty fun times in the caf Tues for cinco de mayo, they had a lie mariachi band =D. Thanks everybody for the prayers, I really appreciate it :)

Never Pray for Patience

God will teach it to you, in more ways than you thought were even possible. I never even prayed for it and I feel like I'm being given more than enough practice. Set back after set back, God is still sovereign. But in our human brokenness, that doesn't make things easier.

I had an incredibly stressful and emotionally taxing day yesterday involving 3 different parents and 1 boyfriend. By the time I went to bed at 3:30 (yes am) after finishing my capstone presentation (which thankfully went fairly smoothly, and thus means I am DONE with that class) I felt like I had been run over by a semi truck.

Even amidst all of this, I know I was still being taken care of. I had a phone call from an encouraging and loving grandmother, a call from a sensitive, understanding, and reassuring father, and a trip to Cheesecake Factory with the girls (a belated birthday celebration for Amanda). Still, I'm dead tired today, and definitely still hurting.

Continued prayers for guidance and the ability to finish the semester despite drama are appreciated.

with my *amazing* tuxedo cheesecake

Not Meant To Be
Theory of a Deadman
*words adapted by me*

It's never enough to say I'm happy
It's never enough he says he cares
But I'm caught between what you
Want from me, and knowing
If I give that to ya
I might just disappear.

Nobody wins when everyone's losing

Oh, it's like

One step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I can't change your mind,

Oh, it's like

Trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me and I, I'm starting to see
You'll never think we're meant to be

It's never enough he says he loves me
No, it's never enough to say he tries
It's hard to believe that's there's
No compromise for you and me
And it seems to be,
The story of my life

Nobody wins when everyone's losing

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I can't change your mind, oh

It's like trying to turn around on a
One way street. I can't give
You what you want and it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
You'll never think we're meant to be

There's still time to turn this around
Should you be building us up
Instead of tearing us down
But I keep thinking
Maybe there's no point.

It's like one step forward
And two steps back,
No matter what I do
You're always mad
And I, can't change your mind, oh

It's like tryin to turn around
On a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me and I,
I finally see,
You'll never be happy with me.

It's like one step forward,
And two steps back,
No matter what I do
You're always mad,
And I, Mama I'm sorry to see,
You're just not happy with me.

Don't Be Sorry

A common response to "I'm sorry". Generally I shrug it off as an almost rote response, but when a friend said it tonight, I stopped to think about it. This is in part thanks to group last week. One of the members was sharing about something traumatic, at least from most perspectives, in his past. The counselors asked how the rest of us felt hearing about it. I communicated (in a very emotional sounding voice, I was getting a little too close for comfort to tears) how sad I was for him, and how I couldn't imagine being in that situation.

The counselor noticed the emotion in my voice and commented on it. I mentioned that I have always been very good at empathizing with people. This was interpreted to mean that I related to the other group member's story, but I don't. I mean, as was pointed out, we all experience loss, but I haven't experienced anything anywhere near what he has.

I just always imagine what I think it would feel like to be in someone else's situation. Sometimes it makes me happy, other times angry or frustrated, and still others it makes me incredibly sad. I feel other's pain deeply, which is a big part of why I can't have too many people at once confiding in me; it becomes overwhelming.

So when a friend told me something that they felt sad about, and I responded "I'm sorry" and I was beginning to feel that sadness myself, "don't be sorry" caught my attention. I thought about it; I don't have to feel the same thing the person oes to be supportive. I don't need to subject myself to pain to relate to people. There's enough pain in life without creating more for myself.

Goal: Keep more of my own composure so I can be encouraging and helpful to people who are hurting.