A Little Self Therapy

At least for, the most wonderful thing about counseling is discovering the answer to "why?" Not the "why did this happen to me?" but "why am I feeling this way", a question I continue to grow in my realization that I need to answer. It's so vital a question to ask to heal, and yet, how often do we really ask ourselves that. Which reminds me that one of my resolutions this year needs to be "be more open with people" The more open with people I am, the more I will have to talk through and think about my emotions, which at least in theory will make life easier.

I don't have another actual counseling appointment until my group starts in a few weeks, but I talked through a number of things with Tad last night. In talking with Steve it occured to me that out of this whole cruise mess, he's the only person in my family I haven't been upset with. Obviously most of it has been felt towards my mom: anger, hurt, confusion. I've been mad and hurt that my dad didn't object to it. And I've been resentful of Dave going and not me. But wait, that doesn't make sense.

Logically (ha! applying logic to feelings, how ridiculous) I should be resentful of Stephen. I've been on two cruises that Dave hasn't. He was in Iraq for one of them. That's a lot worse than taking a stats class. Stephen on the other hand, has been on every family vacation (minus the one to Norway that I got to go on when I was 10) So why am I not resentful of Stephen? Come to think of it, I can't be mad at Steve. There's nothing in our relationship (since outgrowing the beating each other up on long car rides stage) that causes me any feeling of blame or resentment towards him.

Tad suggested this was perhaps because of a hesitance to assign blame to a person with a disability. But I don't think that's it. I think this all relates back to my feelings about my relationship with my mom. I started having these emotions about my relationship with her in response to changes in our family life when Dave moved home. Thus the resentment. I feel like Dave is the cause of a lot (if not all) of the issues with my mom. A huge reason I was so upset about the cruise was I felt like it was proof of my mom choosing Dave over me.

That was the big thing of last night, realizing that, but where to go from here? #1 Let go of the resentment towards Dave. He hasn't done anything to me. That part isn't too difficult. Once i realized I was blaming him for something not under his control, it was a lot easier to let go of. The second thing is the reoccurring theme in all of this. Figure out how to communicate this with my mom.

Taking one day at a time, and remembering that no matter what, God is good.