Normal

Over the last 3 days I have come to the conscious conclusion that I am normal. Of course, it has been forming in my subconscious for the last month, but only this week I am fully realizing how not messed up I am.

This is what group is so helpful for: coming to an understanding that I am not alone in anything I struggle with. A little bit of personality type reading has also helped to perpetuate this epiphany. I shared the Myers-Briggs test with a friend, who became very excited about it. She came up as an INFJ, which happens to be the same as Tad. I am an ISFJ. Anyway, she was sending me snippits of her personality profile, so I decided to look mine up again.

Well what should I find in my profile, but the following:

"One ISFJ trait that is easily misunderstood by those who haven't known them long is that they are often unable to either hide or articulate any distress they may be feeling. An adult ISFJ may drive a (later ashamed) friend or SO into a fit of temper over the ISFJ's unexplained moodiness, only afterwards to explain about a death in the family they 'didn't want to burden anyone with.'"

Is that not what I started going to counseling for? I read that and thought to myself "This is a part of my personality, it's *normal*" Now, is it good? No, it isn't healthy for anyone to keep things to themselves. But there are a TON of human tendencies that are unhealthy and need to be overcome. For right now it is enough, and an immense relief to realize that I'm no more messed up than anyone else on this planet.

I'm Diving In...

Taking on the same theme as last week's post...haha The Steven Curtis Chapman song came to mind when I was thinking about this post, so I figured I'd run with it...er, swim with it? :)

Group was amazing tonight. I have such a peace right now about life--a very nice change from last week's feeling of uncertainty. I didn't have the nerves until I got there. There was so much I wanted to talk about, but I still didn't want to take a lot of group focus. I was the first one to speak, and I basically did word/emotions vomit, as appetizing is that is, sorry. I shared about my frustrations with my communication with my mom, with how that affects my relationships, with how I wish I could change all of it.

The responses I got were wonderful. Reassurances that, my sharing just then wasn't a burden. That others feel the same way about their relationships with their parents. My heart broke from some of the things others shared tonight. A few said it was a relief that I was the first one to start us off. That was something to think about, my sharing *helped* people, not *hurt* Someone also suggested (through question) asking my mom to continue in the conversations with me, and that I may need to tell her when things are hurting me, because we are different, so she might not realize it.

I feel like already we're starting to bond as a group. I want to know more about the others. It's quite exciting because I barely know them, but I know what I can be praying about for them, which is great. I am so thankful God has brought me into this situation, I think He will bring a lot fo growth out of it for me.

Taking the Plunge

I started my group tonight. It was interesting, definitely different from what I expected. I expected it to be just like individual therapy, but with 5 other people. Definitely not the case. We still express things we're feeling, thinking about, working on, but it's mostly our own leadership of the group. That made it fairly awkward until one of the guys broke the ice and started talking.

I didn't end up saying much about myself, which I realized shouldn't be surprising. I started going to counseling because I don't open up to people. As we were beginning to come to a close, I started thinking about what I would do when I got back to my room. I knew at least a couple people would ask about group. My initial feeling was that I wouldn't want to talk about it. But I'm in this to improve, so I decided instead of being minimal in responses, I'd be excited and share things.

It was hard in a way, I wanted to talk about myself, the things I've been going through and working on. But there were five other people there. I didn't want to feel like I was hogging attention. I was torn between asking them lots of questions about what they were saying, and bringing up things about myself. Upon initial contemplation of the session, I thought maybe I ought to just stick to individual counseling. In individual, I'm the only one who's supposed to be talking, so I don't feel like I'm taking away from what others might need. But that's not a real life situation.

To put it in comm disorders terms, group therapy will be easier for me to generalize from. Perhaps next week if I initiate conversation, and topics are more related to what I'm working through, I will be more able to share about myself. When I got back I was able to share quite a bit of how things went with a few people. By the fourth and fifth person I could feel myself closing off though. I was going into the "I don't want to talk about this" mode that's really a facade for "I'm probably bothering this person with sharing all this." But I do feel myself improving, I still have a long way to go though.

My current goal is to just be able to tell my mom I'm going to therapy. The fear holding me back from doing that now is the can of worms it will most likely open. For now I'm excited to go back next week, although when Wednesday comes, I will probably be scared again.

Thank you Lord for being with me in this. I know I'm not alone

A Little Self Therapy

At least for, the most wonderful thing about counseling is discovering the answer to "why?" Not the "why did this happen to me?" but "why am I feeling this way", a question I continue to grow in my realization that I need to answer. It's so vital a question to ask to heal, and yet, how often do we really ask ourselves that. Which reminds me that one of my resolutions this year needs to be "be more open with people" The more open with people I am, the more I will have to talk through and think about my emotions, which at least in theory will make life easier.

I don't have another actual counseling appointment until my group starts in a few weeks, but I talked through a number of things with Tad last night. In talking with Steve it occured to me that out of this whole cruise mess, he's the only person in my family I haven't been upset with. Obviously most of it has been felt towards my mom: anger, hurt, confusion. I've been mad and hurt that my dad didn't object to it. And I've been resentful of Dave going and not me. But wait, that doesn't make sense.

Logically (ha! applying logic to feelings, how ridiculous) I should be resentful of Stephen. I've been on two cruises that Dave hasn't. He was in Iraq for one of them. That's a lot worse than taking a stats class. Stephen on the other hand, has been on every family vacation (minus the one to Norway that I got to go on when I was 10) So why am I not resentful of Stephen? Come to think of it, I can't be mad at Steve. There's nothing in our relationship (since outgrowing the beating each other up on long car rides stage) that causes me any feeling of blame or resentment towards him.

Tad suggested this was perhaps because of a hesitance to assign blame to a person with a disability. But I don't think that's it. I think this all relates back to my feelings about my relationship with my mom. I started having these emotions about my relationship with her in response to changes in our family life when Dave moved home. Thus the resentment. I feel like Dave is the cause of a lot (if not all) of the issues with my mom. A huge reason I was so upset about the cruise was I felt like it was proof of my mom choosing Dave over me.

That was the big thing of last night, realizing that, but where to go from here? #1 Let go of the resentment towards Dave. He hasn't done anything to me. That part isn't too difficult. Once i realized I was blaming him for something not under his control, it was a lot easier to let go of. The second thing is the reoccurring theme in all of this. Figure out how to communicate this with my mom.

Taking one day at a time, and remembering that no matter what, God is good.