Spiritual Growth

I have been aware for some time that the past year has held very few posts on spiritual or emotional growth. Though I created this blog to be my everything blog (thoughts, rants, funny stories, life events, etc) the emotional processing has decreased immensely. This postbreaks that streak, which I hope is a good sign of things to come.

Over the summer I have felt myself beginning to re-stablizie emotionally and spiritually. My prayer life has regained some of it's energy and I find myself in scripture more than I usually have over the last year. But things still aren't the same as they were during my Biola life, and I still miss Biola terribly. I decided that something that might help would be to watch the Biola chapels as they are posted on youtube. This will both help my Biola-sickness, and help feed me spiritually.

The two parts thus far on John 1 have been incredible. I particularly found things sticking with me during Dr. Klink's message, and after Fred Sander's chapel began a read through of the Gospel of John. But I don't have any profound thoughts on truth to share yet, which reminds me of the beginning of my Biola career. I couldn't blog at all for several months being so completely overwhelmed with everything. Perhaps my overwhelmedness (overwhelmment? *shrug*) is a sign of new start for me. The beginnings of new growth that I've longed for for months.

Please pray for me in this time. I am still in a sometimes precarious living situation, intermittent states of fear of being torn down emotionally, and in a secular environment almost everywhere. I know God can grow me anywhere, I just happen to find it more difficult to allow myself to grow here than in the safety bubble of Biola.

Starting Over

I've had an intense few weeks, and intend to write about it. However, it's finals week, so the song will have to suffice for now until I actually have the time to write properly.

Starting Over
Robbie Seay Band

Clouds are gathering
Closing in it seems
Why can’t I move?
You circle overhead
With Your love instead, beckoning

Now hope has found me
I am not alone
Now hope has found me
I am not disowned
And when I think it’s over
I am not alone
When you think it’s over
You can start it over

You, Your peace within my soul
Mercy You have shown
Though trials come
You, You’re calling me to climb
Up this mountain side
Here I go, here I go

You calling me back home
It’s Your voice I know, beckoning

My God is with Me

The Sermon on the Mount, but particularly Matthew 5:10-12, is my hope and my comfort right now.

"Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousnesfor theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you"

It's been a rough few days, but God is always with me, and I praise Him that more than any time before when faced with suffering, I am clinging to Him. All things have a purpose for God's bigger plan. Not all things are pleasant, some hurt us quite a bit, but the outcome is all for good.

I am blessed to have one roommate who shares in my convictions and stands with me on this. I am blessed to have a family who loves and supports me and comforts me when I find hard times. I am blessed to have a loving boyfriend who cares for me and does everything humanly possible to make me feel better when I feel hopeless.

We think we have come up with a compromise that will last us until our lease ends. After that, hopefully we can find someone else with similar values.

Words Can't Bring Me Down

It has been an interesting week. For starters my mom and I got to check out housing stuff down at State (SDSU) last Friday. One is a studio type apartment attached to someone's house, which a friend of a friend of my mom's has been renting. It's a very nice family and a nice apartment, but it's a little expensive. From the housing office on campus we got a list of nearby apartments, and I've been talking with a few other Biola girls who are or will be students at SDSU.

My favorite part of the day was getting to see my department's building and talk to people there. It's a brand new building as of last semester, which is great. I ended up getting to talk to my program director for a little bit and she told me about the program. It sounds like there are about 90 people total in the graduate speech pathology program, 40 in each class (they have about 30 people at a time who take 3 years because they had backgrounds in other areas). Apparently I'm going to be extremely busy the first year because it's mostly academic stuff along with 1 or 2 clients. I have two courses and two clients in the summer (one in June, one in July) between the 2 years. And they'll send out a whole lot more information in June. I also got to tour the clinic, and I'm really excited to get to work there.

Once Steve was done with classes, we came home and went to dinner to celebrate at Yen Chim Garden. Chinese food definitely holds a special place in my heart. Saturday I packed up my stuff and came back up to campus with my mom and a gil from my church who's thinking about transferring to Biola. We showed Brooke around campus and took pictures for my graduation announcements.

Then came the time to scramble to get homework done. Things were going along fine, until I had a suddenly very angry and upset boyfriend.

Once he had calmed down enough to have a coherent conversation, I found out why.

It started with the words "we need to talk" from his parents. They concerned (to put it nicely) about him finding a job. A fair concern since he's been out of school for not quite a year now. He has looked for a job on several occassions with no luck, but mostly we've been waiting until he could move down here to be closer to me. Mentioning that in this conversation was a bad idea. They don't approve of this idea. In fact, they apparently feel that I am one of many factors that are "destroying" his life. He is on a destructive path, and he must find a job by the end of next month or lose his phone, internet, and car.

Well, don't hold back, tell us how you really feel about me.

Now what? I'm not a fan of the idea of scorning parents and tearing apart families. But...what did I do? I just want to be able to have a normal relationship with my boyfriend. Getting a job there means he won't be moving for quite some time. Not getting a job there means I will lose all contact with him and possibly all hope of ever seeing him again. If he runs, that may open up a whole brand new can of worms.

The most surprising part in all of this to me; I haven't been despairing. I have felt myself turn and cling to God for support. I'm certainly worried, but I've been able to remain clear headed. I have no idea what's going to happen in all of this, but I'm sick of worrying about things I have no control over. God has a plan for me, for Tad, and for us, and I trust that His plan is good and for the best. Perhaps God's lessons this year about patience are finally starting to sink in.

I definitely welcome prayers for guidance and wisdom

Singing Through Life

Kind of like dancing through life, except moving your vocal cords and articulators instead of the rest of your body. These three songs (in addition to a counseling session and a bunch of really great friends :)) have got me through the last 5 days. And I can thankfully say I'm in a much more content place right now. Am I happy that my family went on a cruise without me? No Am I ok with it? Moreso now than I have been over the last month. Will things continue to get better? Yes

The first song is one we sang in chapel on Tues, the second two are ones I heard on the radio. And no, I don't blame you if you don't feel like reading through 3 songs worth of lyrics, I skip them a lot in blogs.

Overwhelmed

I am nothing, yet You bid me

Come to You, o Lord Almighty

As I come I'm overwhelmed with You.

Humbly now I break the silence

As I'm weeping in Your presence

I'm so wretched, overwhelmed with You.

Your blood of redemption

Is covering my shame (echo)

Your voice that shakes the heavens

Is whispering my name (echo)

As You catch my tears with Your nail-scarred hand

I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed with You.

I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed with You.

I am nothing, yet You bid me

Come to You, o Lord Almighty

Song of Hope
Robbie Seay Band

All things bright and beautiful You are
All things wise and wonderful You are
In my darkest night, You brighten up the skies
A song will rise

I will sing a song of hope
Sing along
God of heaven come down
Heaven come down
Just to know that You are near is enough
God of heaven come down, heaven come down

All things new
I can start again
Creator, God
Calling me Your friend
Sing praise, my soul
To the Maker of the skies
A song will rise

I will sing a song of hope
Sing along
God of heaven come down
Heaven come down
Just to know You and be loved is enough
God of heaven come down, heaven come down

Hallelujah, sing
Hallelujah, sing
Hallelujah, sing

Let Go
PFR
If there is only one God, why do we serve so many
If there is only one law, why do we live like there aren't any
I'm not trying to get you down. I just want you to know
That if you're gonna live for God, you've got to let go

Gotta let go of the little things, before they get you down
Gotta let go or they'll drag you to the bottom and hold you down
It's a war we all fight, and compromise is the battleground
But if you're ever gonna grow, you've got to let go

If there is only one truth, one original way
Why do we search like blind men
Can't see the sunshine in the light of day
We've got to turn around and run the other way
Cause if were gonna live for God,
We've got to turn away

Turn away from the little things
Before they get you down
Turn away or they'll drag us to the bottom
And hold us down
It's a war we all fight
And compromise is the battleground
But is we're ever gonna change
We've got to turn away

God's in control of everything, trust in Him Lindsey