Survival in a Foreign Place

The second blog I've written during grad school with the word "Survive" in the title, hmmm, do we see a trend here? haha

This was going to be just a blog about what I've been up to lately, but there was some profound thinking that went on in church today. Thus this shall be a mixed blog entry. Let's begin with the thinking and end ith the recap.

Today's message at the Flood was about growing to know God when we're in a foreign place. A foreign place can be just about anything, things that are painful and things that are happy. Physically being in a new place, entering a new stage in life, mourning, anything that puts you somewhere you haven't been (physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, etc) before.

Immediately my brain began listing all the different ways I'm in a foreign place. New stage of life? Check: it's called grad school. New location? Check: condo in a part of San Diego I didn't grow up in. New environment? Check: surrounded by non Christians post high school (much more different than I thought while still at Biola New place financially? Check: I'm broke and living month to month.

You get the picutre, I'm in an almost completely foreign place right now.

This got me to thinking, it's not wonder I've been feeling so completely out of my element. The speaker this morning (we had a guest speaker, it wasn't the pastor) likened these "foreign places" to the Israelites wandering in the desert for 40 years. We aren't happy about them. We want to get straight from point A to point B, but God specifically puts us in those times to learn and grow closer to him.

All of this was comforting in a way. I've been feeling pretty lousy about my faith the last couple months, running around like a chicken with its head cut off makes making time for God even more challenging than it already is, and I've felt like I was starting to drift. But that's not necessarily it...I'm just wandering in the wilderness right now. I'm ok with that though, I know it means I'm supposed to be learning and growing, and I know God won't let me stay here forever.

Going back to the thought on being surrounded by non Christians, I had a sad realization about that. I definitely feel like I don't quite fit in my grad program. Not in terms of academics, I fit just fine in terms of the actual content of the program, but socially I don't. I don't drink (at least not more than a margarita every once in a while), I don't live or sleep with my boyfriend, I don't swear, for me "going out with the girls" is going to Cheesecake Factory...to get cheesecake, and my idea of a party is making cookies, eating lots of chocolate, and watching a chick flick, and if we're talking a CRAZY party there are also boys and a rootbeer keg.

I'm not the only Christian in the class. Out of 38 of us, there are at least 4 or 5 others, but the majority is definitely non Christian. Anyway, I realized, I'm *never* going to fit in, not with the girls in my class, not with future coworkers. Being a Christian sets us apart, lights are clearly going to stand out in the darkness. It saddens me to not be able to fully bond with a lot of the people around me. Thank goodness though for being connected at church and being surrounded by fellow believers there!

This concludes the "thoughts" portion of this blog, now on to what I've actually been up to.

The week after Halloween was awful in terms of workload, which made my second trip up to Biola this semester very refreshing. I rode up with Anja and James again and got dropped off at Krista's house. Becky met us and we went out for sushi followed by the most amazing Italian ice I've ever had.

Becky had a concert to go to that evening at Long Beach, so Krista and I watched hulu at her place until it was time to meet up with Charlotte for Boba. I don't like boba proper, but I love the teas, especially Thai milk tea. Yum! Once finished with our drinks we went back to Hart to hang out. I got to see Tia and Raeleen, and I hung out with Charlotte until Becky picked me up.

Saturday I had lunch at Chick Fil A with Amanda, who tag teamed with Krista and Diana. After they had eaten, the 3 of us went and wandered around Bed Bath & Beyond, smelling candles and finding interesting things like dog snuggies and marshmallow launchers. We spent a couple hours at the Biola library (me working on homework, Krista job searching) until it was time to meet Becky for dinner.

Krista had picked out Taps Fishhouse and Brewery for her birthday dinner. It was a very nice restaraunt, with quite good food. We shared a glass of white wine between the 3 of us and the complimentary baked Alaska they brought out for Krista. After dinner we spend over for the Symphonic Winds "Japan" fall concert, which was wonderful, as expected. And after that it was to the Fellers' house to feast on amazing Japanese food and yummy desserts.

Sunday morning I went with Becky and Jen to Redeemer (which was wonderful, as usual) and met Krista for lunch at Daphnes. Becky and I went to a fun "Viv la France" free orchestra concert, and then it was back to San Diego I came.

Last week wasn't so bad in terms of work (helped by the fact that we had Wednesday off) and I've had a very relaxing weekend. Last night I got to go out to In N Out and the last home football game with Raelene, Anja, and James. I hadn't seen Raelene for several weeks, so we definitely needed to catch up!

And that's my life right now...4 more days and I'll be with Tad again, and have a week off school. Life is pretty good right now :)

A Light in Sight

I was having a very mediocre week until Thursday afternoon when Tad got an email frm the guy at Point Loma.

A little review, Point Loma said no several weeks ago, and Tad has been trying to get some sort of information about what he can do to reapply. He sent an email Monday asking if he could perhaps take some undergrad prereqs and then reapply.

Answer from Point Loma man: If Tad takes a grad level religious studies course, and passes with at least a B, he can reapply for the MA program and will most likely be accepted. It can be any religious studies grad program, but here's the thing...the closest one to where Tad is liiving, is 2.5 hours away. Which means

He HAS to move.

And if he's moving anyway, it might as well be to San Diego, that way he can do a class in the program he'll be in, oh, and be with me, hehe

I am so incredibly excited. I've been on cloud nine for the last two days. I don't know if I've felt this way since the first time Tad told me he loved me. Ok, maybe it's not *quite* as good as that feeling, but it's prety close.

We don't know exacts yet, but he's hoping to move somewhere between Christmas and New Years. I can't believe it, two months. After over 3 years, I can handle another couple months.

Thank you Lord.

In other news, I've been busy, but having fun when I can. Two weekends ago Raelene and I went to Bates Nut Farm and picked out pumpkins, which we carved last night. Last weekend I helped Raelene with a surprise 50th birthday party for her parents. And in just a bit I'm going to head up to watch the Mt Carmel tournament.

7 weeks left to the semester, I can make it!

Pursued

"By Your Side"
Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

(Chorus 2x)

There's often a deeper layer to issues that only surfaces after you've removed the top layer. I realized last week I was holding onto this whole mess. I realized today that I'm angry at God about it.

Angry at the Almighty...not really a place I want to be.

But I'm tired of waiting and having my hopes crushed every time something doesn't work out the way I think ti will. I'm tired of hurting about this.

The bright side: God is completely leading me through this. I'm a step farther than I was a week ago. I've felt entirely lost, and I think I have been for the last few weeks. But God never ceases pursuing his lost sheep.

"I'll be by your side Wherever you fall...My hands are holding you"

Wrestling with God

The message at church yesterday morning was about Jacob wrestling with God, about how it took wrestling with God for Jacob to find what he was seeking and to be headed in the right direction.

Something I really like about The Flood's pastor is that all of his sermons come straight out of scripture AND are then related to things that would be going on in our lives.

Of course, I didn't even need examples to figure out what I've been wrestling with God about: my relationship with Tad.

After over three years, we are still long distance. This on its own kills me. Now add in all the failed attempts at having him move.

We both thought that when he graduated from NNU he would move down to southern California to be with me while I finished at Biola, and then we would go from there. Well, you know how the best laid plans of mice and men go...

He graduated, finished up a couple classes, and went home. When he visited me for my birthday, we found jobs in LA that he could apply for, and he sent in applications. Not only did none of those places ever call back, but in July he got into a massive fight with his family. He was forbidden to move and told to get a job in WA.

Ok, we thought, he'll work there til I'm done with Biola and then he'll have money to move and maybe his parents will be more open to moving. Over several months he applied to at least 20 different jobs.

Nothing

But, he did get his medical things worked out, and discovered a calling to youth ministry through volunteer coaching a middle school basketball team with his church.

That's when he began applying for the fall semester at Point Loma.

Great, I thought, his parents will be supportive of his pursuing more education to go into ministry, he'll be able to move by the end of the summer.

Again, best laid plans...

Things didn't work out like we hoped with Point Loma. They didn't accept him based on his GPA, which is lower due to all the medication changes he underwent in the last two years at NNU. And the deal with his parents was that he could move IF he got in. Remember that he still has no job.

He would like to move down in the next couple months anyway. Look for a job here in SoCal where the market is a bit better than it is in WA. But his parents still forbid it, and have threatened to report his car as stolen if he leaves.

All this is more than enough for me. But of course there's more. In the last month we've suddenly been averaging two fights a week, when before we only fought once every couple months. Tad has always asserted that fighting is healthy for a relationships; that it's better that we fight and resolve it easily than if we didn't fight at all. But that's a drastic change. It coincides with me starting my grad program, but I can't figure out why that would cause us to fight more.

So, back to the whole point of this entry.

I know I'm supposed to give this all to God. I know I need to.

But I don't know how.

Every time I try, I let go and grab back on again, or I think I'm letting go but have this thought in the back of my head "The second I let it go, Tad and I will be together."

Dear Lord, show me, because I just don't know how.

General Thoughts on Romania

There is much more to come, all of my journaling that I did by hand I was there, but this is from an email I sent to the organization's director this morning.

I'm still not sure where to start when summarizing my trip. Lots of people have asked about it, but I still don't think I've talked for more than 5 minutes at a time about it. My family has gotten descriptions in doses - about playing with the kids, about the culture, the baby hospital. I think they're wanting to let me have some space while I'm still getting adjusted. It hasn't helped that we jumped right into apartment hunting for next year and I haven't had much down time.

It's surprising to me that most of what I feel I learned in Romania is directly related to things God was teaching me before the trip. I expected that all of that would have gone on pause and I would have learned something totally different, and related to the kids, rather than myself. This definitely confirms for me how true it is that missions trips change you more than they change the people you're ministering to. I guess this would explain why it feels so weird to be home now.

I really appreciate all the help you've given us with reflecting on the trip, I'm not sure I would have known how on my own.

Beautiful

I love the days when I look in the mirror, or see a picture of myself, and the first thing that comes to mind is "wow, I am beautiful." Not in a conceited way, just a "oh, hey, that's pretty, and that's me." It's one thing to have others tell you you're beautiful, but it's quite a necessary thing to be able to look at yourself and see the beauty that God has created in you.

It allows you to see God's beauty elsewhere.

For example the peach and pink roses that are in bloom on our "Mr. Lincoln" bush out front, just in time for Easter.

Easter and flowers always go hand in hand for me. My mom brought home one of the lilies from the altar yesterday and it smells amazing. As did the flower cross that the children made at the Easter program Saturday.

I am growing to believe that Easter is my favorite holiday. It is, of course, the key of the Christian salvation. Our Lord suffered and died, atoning for the sins of all people, and then was raised from the dead, conquering death. What more could we have to celebrate that that!

Yesterday held some wonderful family time. Grandparents and aunt and uncle came. Food was eaten, games were played, and the day was enjoyed.

Opportunities seem to be opening for Tad to move to California soon, something we are both very anxious for, and perhaps to pursue a career in youth ministry. In the meantime, it looks as if he will be able to come for my graduation, and we'll go from there.

All this to say that God is good. Life truly is beautiful

the kids put all the colored flowers in :)

March Midterms Bring April Colds

(lol, I started typing this Tues and never got around to finishing)

Every year, without fail, I get sick in April. Last year no surprise at all considering it was after tour. Putting 65 sleep deprived people together on one bus, for a week is asking for the plague to return. It's like I get almost through the school year, and then my body goes on strike.

This year's cold (which has been fairly mild, thankfully) is somewhat ironic as I started coming down with it a day or two after Tad came down with a cold. Normally you wouldn't be surprised if a couple got sick about the same time, unless they were 900 miles apart. Tad caught something from Jeana on Friday and I started getting a sore throat Saturday evening. Tad lost his voice Sunday, I almost lost mine Tuesday. Both of us have had fluctuating body temperatures. Somehow, from two states away, he got me sick.

The weekend was fun. On Friday our Heart 2 Heart contacts came and talked to us about all the schedule and practical things about the trip. I'm so excited. Here are a few points of interest:

-Good flight times: leaving at 3:30 pm Sunday, getting in to Bucharest around 4 pm Monday with a short layover in London, and then leaving 1 pm Thurs arriving in LA 7:30 pm Thurs with another short layover in London
-H2H owns an 8 bedroom 8 bathroom house where we'll be staying. They have internet, a computer, and a big backyard with a pool
-Woodwinds will be working with kids at a special needs orphanage north of Bucharest while the brass work with kids at an orphanage south of Bucharest
-Once we come back together we'll put on a carnival at each orphanage for Children's Day (June 1 in Romania)
-We'll get plenty of opportunities to hold babies in the baby hospitals
-There will be some sighting seeing/shopping time in Bucharest
-They encourage lots of picture taking, and will compile a cd out of everybody's pictures

Saturday my dad came up and we went out to dinner at BJ's and then to the Craig/Hitchens debate. I really enjoyed it. In my opinion Craig won, hands down. Hitchens had some good points, but he didn't really have any arguments as to why God doesn't exist. It was all just "Christians aren't any more moral than anybody else."

The week has gone by pretty quickly, since I've been so busy. I am very proud to say that yesterday I finished my capstone rough draft. YAY! haha It's 38 pages, which means I'll have a little more left to do on it, but I'm happy for now.

Now it's off to my last class before Easter break. I go home tomorrow morning, which gives me plenty of time tonight to do laundry, pack, and watch a movie. I certainly wouldn't mind finding a ride to a Maundy Thursday service either.