Never Pray for Patience

God will teach it to you, in more ways than you thought were even possible. I never even prayed for it and I feel like I'm being given more than enough practice. Set back after set back, God is still sovereign. But in our human brokenness, that doesn't make things easier.

I had an incredibly stressful and emotionally taxing day yesterday involving 3 different parents and 1 boyfriend. By the time I went to bed at 3:30 (yes am) after finishing my capstone presentation (which thankfully went fairly smoothly, and thus means I am DONE with that class) I felt like I had been run over by a semi truck.

Even amidst all of this, I know I was still being taken care of. I had a phone call from an encouraging and loving grandmother, a call from a sensitive, understanding, and reassuring father, and a trip to Cheesecake Factory with the girls (a belated birthday celebration for Amanda). Still, I'm dead tired today, and definitely still hurting.

Continued prayers for guidance and the ability to finish the semester despite drama are appreciated.

with my *amazing* tuxedo cheesecake

Not Meant To Be
Theory of a Deadman
*words adapted by me*

It's never enough to say I'm happy
It's never enough he says he cares
But I'm caught between what you
Want from me, and knowing
If I give that to ya
I might just disappear.

Nobody wins when everyone's losing

Oh, it's like

One step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I can't change your mind,

Oh, it's like

Trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me and I, I'm starting to see
You'll never think we're meant to be

It's never enough he says he loves me
No, it's never enough to say he tries
It's hard to believe that's there's
No compromise for you and me
And it seems to be,
The story of my life

Nobody wins when everyone's losing

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I can't change your mind, oh

It's like trying to turn around on a
One way street. I can't give
You what you want and it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
You'll never think we're meant to be

There's still time to turn this around
Should you be building us up
Instead of tearing us down
But I keep thinking
Maybe there's no point.

It's like one step forward
And two steps back,
No matter what I do
You're always mad
And I, can't change your mind, oh

It's like tryin to turn around
On a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me and I,
I finally see,
You'll never be happy with me.

It's like one step forward,
And two steps back,
No matter what I do
You're always mad,
And I, Mama I'm sorry to see,
You're just not happy with me.

Love Story

Taylor Swift

We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony in summer air

See the lights
See the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello, little did I know

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while

'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don't go and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby just say yes
Oh oh

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you is fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said

Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said, marry me Juliet
You'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes

Oh, oh, oh, oh
'Cause we were both young when I first saw you

sigh

Words Can't Bring Me Down

It has been an interesting week. For starters my mom and I got to check out housing stuff down at State (SDSU) last Friday. One is a studio type apartment attached to someone's house, which a friend of a friend of my mom's has been renting. It's a very nice family and a nice apartment, but it's a little expensive. From the housing office on campus we got a list of nearby apartments, and I've been talking with a few other Biola girls who are or will be students at SDSU.

My favorite part of the day was getting to see my department's building and talk to people there. It's a brand new building as of last semester, which is great. I ended up getting to talk to my program director for a little bit and she told me about the program. It sounds like there are about 90 people total in the graduate speech pathology program, 40 in each class (they have about 30 people at a time who take 3 years because they had backgrounds in other areas). Apparently I'm going to be extremely busy the first year because it's mostly academic stuff along with 1 or 2 clients. I have two courses and two clients in the summer (one in June, one in July) between the 2 years. And they'll send out a whole lot more information in June. I also got to tour the clinic, and I'm really excited to get to work there.

Once Steve was done with classes, we came home and went to dinner to celebrate at Yen Chim Garden. Chinese food definitely holds a special place in my heart. Saturday I packed up my stuff and came back up to campus with my mom and a gil from my church who's thinking about transferring to Biola. We showed Brooke around campus and took pictures for my graduation announcements.

Then came the time to scramble to get homework done. Things were going along fine, until I had a suddenly very angry and upset boyfriend.

Once he had calmed down enough to have a coherent conversation, I found out why.

It started with the words "we need to talk" from his parents. They concerned (to put it nicely) about him finding a job. A fair concern since he's been out of school for not quite a year now. He has looked for a job on several occassions with no luck, but mostly we've been waiting until he could move down here to be closer to me. Mentioning that in this conversation was a bad idea. They don't approve of this idea. In fact, they apparently feel that I am one of many factors that are "destroying" his life. He is on a destructive path, and he must find a job by the end of next month or lose his phone, internet, and car.

Well, don't hold back, tell us how you really feel about me.

Now what? I'm not a fan of the idea of scorning parents and tearing apart families. But...what did I do? I just want to be able to have a normal relationship with my boyfriend. Getting a job there means he won't be moving for quite some time. Not getting a job there means I will lose all contact with him and possibly all hope of ever seeing him again. If he runs, that may open up a whole brand new can of worms.

The most surprising part in all of this to me; I haven't been despairing. I have felt myself turn and cling to God for support. I'm certainly worried, but I've been able to remain clear headed. I have no idea what's going to happen in all of this, but I'm sick of worrying about things I have no control over. God has a plan for me, for Tad, and for us, and I trust that His plan is good and for the best. Perhaps God's lessons this year about patience are finally starting to sink in.

I definitely welcome prayers for guidance and wisdom

In San Diego to Stay

I got the email this morning that I've been accepted to the speech language pathology program at San Diego State! The relief and excitement is incredible. God is so good, he has blessed me with acceptance to my frist choice for undergraduate and graduate school. This means of course that apartment hunting can begin. Oh my

I had a fun visit with Amanda. She came down Monday evening and had dinner with my family and watched Waking Ned Devine. Tuesday we adventured down to Old Town with Raelene, did some exploring, and had lunch at La Pinata. Back at home we made some very yummy oatmeal raisin chocolate chip cookies and then decorated bookmarks to take to the kids in Romania. She left yesterday morning and last night my mom and I took a CPR class together.

This also means Tad could start the moving process now, but it's his initiative, so we'll see what happens. As for my housing, we have a potential studio apartment that we're going to check out when we pick Steve up for the weekend.

Beautiful

I love the days when I look in the mirror, or see a picture of myself, and the first thing that comes to mind is "wow, I am beautiful." Not in a conceited way, just a "oh, hey, that's pretty, and that's me." It's one thing to have others tell you you're beautiful, but it's quite a necessary thing to be able to look at yourself and see the beauty that God has created in you.

It allows you to see God's beauty elsewhere.

For example the peach and pink roses that are in bloom on our "Mr. Lincoln" bush out front, just in time for Easter.

Easter and flowers always go hand in hand for me. My mom brought home one of the lilies from the altar yesterday and it smells amazing. As did the flower cross that the children made at the Easter program Saturday.

I am growing to believe that Easter is my favorite holiday. It is, of course, the key of the Christian salvation. Our Lord suffered and died, atoning for the sins of all people, and then was raised from the dead, conquering death. What more could we have to celebrate that that!

Yesterday held some wonderful family time. Grandparents and aunt and uncle came. Food was eaten, games were played, and the day was enjoyed.

Opportunities seem to be opening for Tad to move to California soon, something we are both very anxious for, and perhaps to pursue a career in youth ministry. In the meantime, it looks as if he will be able to come for my graduation, and we'll go from there.

All this to say that God is good. Life truly is beautiful

the kids put all the colored flowers in :)

March Midterms Bring April Colds

(lol, I started typing this Tues and never got around to finishing)

Every year, without fail, I get sick in April. Last year no surprise at all considering it was after tour. Putting 65 sleep deprived people together on one bus, for a week is asking for the plague to return. It's like I get almost through the school year, and then my body goes on strike.

This year's cold (which has been fairly mild, thankfully) is somewhat ironic as I started coming down with it a day or two after Tad came down with a cold. Normally you wouldn't be surprised if a couple got sick about the same time, unless they were 900 miles apart. Tad caught something from Jeana on Friday and I started getting a sore throat Saturday evening. Tad lost his voice Sunday, I almost lost mine Tuesday. Both of us have had fluctuating body temperatures. Somehow, from two states away, he got me sick.

The weekend was fun. On Friday our Heart 2 Heart contacts came and talked to us about all the schedule and practical things about the trip. I'm so excited. Here are a few points of interest:

-Good flight times: leaving at 3:30 pm Sunday, getting in to Bucharest around 4 pm Monday with a short layover in London, and then leaving 1 pm Thurs arriving in LA 7:30 pm Thurs with another short layover in London
-H2H owns an 8 bedroom 8 bathroom house where we'll be staying. They have internet, a computer, and a big backyard with a pool
-Woodwinds will be working with kids at a special needs orphanage north of Bucharest while the brass work with kids at an orphanage south of Bucharest
-Once we come back together we'll put on a carnival at each orphanage for Children's Day (June 1 in Romania)
-We'll get plenty of opportunities to hold babies in the baby hospitals
-There will be some sighting seeing/shopping time in Bucharest
-They encourage lots of picture taking, and will compile a cd out of everybody's pictures

Saturday my dad came up and we went out to dinner at BJ's and then to the Craig/Hitchens debate. I really enjoyed it. In my opinion Craig won, hands down. Hitchens had some good points, but he didn't really have any arguments as to why God doesn't exist. It was all just "Christians aren't any more moral than anybody else."

The week has gone by pretty quickly, since I've been so busy. I am very proud to say that yesterday I finished my capstone rough draft. YAY! haha It's 38 pages, which means I'll have a little more left to do on it, but I'm happy for now.

Now it's off to my last class before Easter break. I go home tomorrow morning, which gives me plenty of time tonight to do laundry, pack, and watch a movie. I certainly wouldn't mind finding a ride to a Maundy Thursday service either.

Grad School, Capstone, and Life

All I really need to say to explain everything in this post is senioritis. Oh man, I'm glad I never really got it in high school, because it is BAD. Right about Wednesday this week I started feeling completely and entirely apathetic about school. I had a Spanish paper due yesterday and my capstone pages due tonight (working on those while I type this) and I did no homework between Tuesday afternoon and yesterday afternoon. yeah...bad

I suppose grad schools are the biggest update right now. I got into Chapman, yay!!!! I did not get into San Francisco or San Jose. That leaves Fullerton and the final word from San Diego. I don't feel too bad about San Fran and San Jose; San Fran was my last choice, and San Jose said they had almost 300 applicants and were only able to accept 20. Once I receive my official letter from Chapman (they called to tell me I was accepted) I have two weeks to notify. If I don't get in to SD, and I haven't heard from Fullerton before the Chapman window closes, that's where I'll go. But I think Chapman is still after Fullerton because of cost.

In other news, capstone is chugging along, my current page count is 24, that leaves 16. Our rough draft is due sometime between next Wed and the Monday after Easter break. I would really like to have it done by Wed so I don't have to work on it over Easter, but we'll see.

Couple random fun things, well, I was home last weekend for my grandpa's birthday. I went Tuesday evening with Krista, Raeleen, Charlotte, Tia, and a few other girls to Cheesecake Factory just for fun. I got chocolate raspberry truffle, it was delicious. This morning we had another "No Make Up Wake Up" with our brother floor. The girls go to breakfast in their pjs (I didn't, I don't go outside in pajamas) and the guys are all dressed up and give us roses and serve us in the caf. It was a lot of fun.

And now it's back to finishing my chunk of capstone for the week...joyous